Hipster Muscle

Each hipster clique is pretty much homogenous except for one person: the Hipster Muscle. This guy is fat, drunk, and, more often than not, eastern European or Russian. At my college he was a year or two ahead of me and I knew him only as, what else, Tank. Tank’s functions within his hipster crowd included; drinking a dozen beers, and throwing up on his white t-shirt. His t-shirt would invariably be white and, by 2:00am on Saturday morning, invariably streaked with dark brown puke.

What is the genesis of Hipster Muscle? These kids aren’t quite Tony Soprano or Marlo Stanfield – no one has ever put a hit out on a hipster (the bullets would be a waste, a strong gust would bring most of them down). Maybe it’s some sort of collectivist thing – these waify kids feel bigger than their 20-inch waists when there’s a 280lb Andre the Giant around to lift the average Body Mass Index of the group.

Though I’ve never seen the Hipster Muscle engaged in violence against anything but his own liver, there is nonetheless a colonial aspect to his existence. The clans of hipsters that roam Williamsburg pull their Hipster Muscle along on a leash of Colt 45 tallboys like a caged bear brought by the Spanish Conquistadors to the jungles of the Amazon to inspire loin-cloth soiling in the natives.

I passed some Hipster Muscle on the way to work today. A kid in oversize blue sunglasses, a bright green Members Only jacket, and size-20 jeans skipped past me trailed by a round head atop a vast girth covered in an oversize gray trench coat. The Luca Brasi to the hipster’s Michael Corleone.

I’ve tried to find an equivalent in the Eurotrash scene – as these two groups share many conventions such as tight jeans and gaydar-scrambling – but I think the hipsters are a step ahead on this one. So in the Battle Royale between Eurotrash and hipsters that I’ve envisioned for a few years now, I think I give hipsters and their muscle the edge. Of course, ahead of the hipsters, I give the edge to lung cancer to fell all these fools thanks to their prolific cigarette consumption.

If only all obnoxious cultural types could be so unoriginally self-destructive.

No comments: