4.4.08

Metropocalm

It’s 8:36am on Monday morning in New York City. You’re a block away from the truncated, four-car, G-train. It lopes off and leaves you breathless on the platform sweating in your Bruno Magli’s and late for work. You pull out your cellphone to call the office and it slips from your clammy palm onto the tracks where a rat the size of a skateboard clamps on it with diseased jaws and hustles into the nearest hole in the wall. A hipster steps on your foot. A frat-boy on a three-day bender pukes on your shoes. A train comes, twenty minutes later, and jumping in front doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

But wait!

You’ve forgotten. Yesterday you filled your prescription for the Metropocalm City-Living P.I.L.L. Cocktail! Three red pills, a blue horse-pill, and a red, black, and yellow striped capsule shaped like a question mark later and you’re on the next G-train smiling, drooling blithely in a pool of your own feces. You – One; New York – Zero!

The Metropocalm City-Living P.I.L.L. Cocktail is available only in NYC. So fuck off, Portland, Oregon!

Are you an investment banker? Paralegal? A paralegal representing investment bankers? Or just a person living in New York City with a soul and empathy? If so, the Metropocalm City-Living P.I.L.L. Cocktail is for you.

The Metropocalm City-Living P.I.L.L. Cocktail consists of three unique Proactive Imminent Lash-out Limiters: Transicalm, Manhattatrol, and Quinboroughdine. Remember, they’re not pills, they’re P.I.L.L.’s!

Transicalm severs the neural pathways that send signals from the Medulla Oblongata to the rest of the body. Don’t think of it as bringing you perilously close to death by deactivating the thingy that controls your heart rate! Think of it as giving the angry man that shouts at you in your head a nap.

Manhattatrol takes over control of your heart rate from your brain, pumping a steady stream of P.I.L.L.’s to even those “hard to reach” vital organs like the feet.

Quinboroughdine induces a waking-coma which allows for continued movement and control of various muscles with the added benefit of having no memory of anything that happens for approximately 36 hours after taking the P.I.L.L.’s. How did I wind up in this motel bathroom in Akron, and where are my kidneys? I’m sure glad I don’t remember!

Metropocalm City-Living P.I.L.L. Cocktail: ‘Tis Nobler To Suffer The Slings And Arrows With Brain Damage-amage!

1 comment:

jason said...

wait you get cell reception in the subway?