15.4.08

Obama Gaffs Again, Says Racism, Anti-Immigrant Sentiment Due to Lack of Education

Speaking at the Movementarian Church on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Barack Obama dealt another crushing blow to his own campaign today. Asked by a Sarah Lawrence grad in a Bright Eyes t-shirt whether, "white, middle-American anti-immigration sentiment was something that could be solved or a permanent condition," Obama's reply was sure to stir up more criticism of his now wavering campaign.

"I think what you see today in a lot of these small, middle-America towns," said Obama, "are people, you know, who haven't seen much beyond their sordid burgs, who haven't experienced the diversity and knowledge of a college campus, and so they become bitter and blame a lot on foreigners, on immigrants, because they're an easy scapegoat, and these people believe immigrants don't share their ideals and values."

The comment immediately stirred up a backlash in Frank Gehry designed newsrooms and the well-appointed desks of Upper West Side bloggers. Said blogger Melinda Mellefluous, a Harvard Law grad working at a prestigious white-shoe New York law firm, "if there's one thing I know, it's that middle-America, small town Ohio and Pennsylvania, won't stand for this kind of accusation. My $250,000 law degree has equipped me to understand the sentiments of lower-class white America, and Barack Obama has betrayed himself here as clearly an elitist."

On MSNBC, reporters in $5000 suits also debated whether this discovery of Obama's elitism had tarnished him permanently. "I think that ignorant, unhealthy, poor, white Americans and I," said bloviator of the decade, Chris Matthews, "are very similar people and I identify with them and their experiences fully. I think it's safe to say I speak for them. They've got some hispanic chick lined up to take over Hardball next year, after all. I don't know why anyone would listen to this elitist bullplop out of Obama anymore," said Matthews while he licked his silver pate knife clean of the last few specks of Iranian caviar.

William Kristol, recently hired by the New York Times' Opinion pages because some people are familiar with his name, said while he was stepping into his Maserati on the way to the Gridiron Club annual dinner, "lower-class white America and me, like this," said Kristol as he crossed his fingers on both hands, "I'll be cooking up some squirrel with Mike Huckabee's old hunting buddies down at the VFW in Scranton tonight and you can bet we'll be slugging the Rolling Rock and taking Obama and his elitism to task, that shit makes my head spin."

Meanwhile, in Bendersville, Pennsylvania, a group of native white people gathered around rarely seen television reporters as they exited their Mercedes SUV's. The group jumped up and down and appeared to try to lick the cameras, perhaps believing them to be a food source. One began to fornicate with the exhaust pipe of the Mercedes until he found the metal tube quite hot. When the apparent tribal leader emerged, wearing a scapular of Ring-Dings around his neck and a headdress of newspaper clippings with a TV-dinner tray for a brim, he approached black conservative token TV personality, Amy Holmes, and bit the top off the microphone she produced. Undeterred, Holmes asked if, "Barack Obama no longer seemed to understand the interests of main street America." The chief responded by smearing feces on the Mercedes.

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