Your Summer Guide to The Real World Brooklyn

If you haven't heard, or heard, or heard, or heard, the end is nigh, Brooklyn Bumpkins. Yes, that is The Real World that will be filming in Our Fair Borough this summer. How sweet it is, indeed! I've heard of this show before, I think, when I was one year old and The Real World was cool and novel, just like Crystal Pepsi.

How apropos for the show that started in New York City 21 years ago to come of drinking age in the borough those first participants all now inhabit, laden with Baby Bjorn carriers and associate positions at firms in the Financial District.

Of course, this isn't the end of the world for Brooklyn. The Real World taking on your town is post-apocalyptic - these are Brueghel's skeletons in "Il Trionfo della Morte" come to gather the earth's last souls and drag them into Lucifer's realm. The Real World in Brooklyn is no harbinger; it is so far past the end of the book it's the backside of the back cover.

The big question is in what neighborhood MTV's esteemed producers will decide to open the Hell Mouth. Most blog activity points to, duh, the Bedford L area. This is fine with me, and I'll openly lobby for it. If that's the locale, then when a critical mass for the Trash Bar accumulates it can be deflated with the hope of avoiding the film crews. Poor indie rock bands. Poor, poor indie rock bands. Your shows will be ruined. Unless you're into that kind of thing, in which case your shows were ruined long before.

As entertaining as it would be, I somehow doubt the execs will go for Dave Chappelle's "Mad Real World" model and stick the rubes in, say, Brownsville:

Chad: Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie.
Tyree: Hey man, you got that all wrong. I ain't had sex with Katie. Lysol had sex with Katie. I just filmed it.
Katie: No, Tyree, you had sex with me too.
Tyree: Correction: I had sex with Katie.

For my sleeper neighborhood pick, I'm going to go with the Prospect Heights region. Somehow I can't see a season of The Real World warping through Brooklyn without it ruining my weekend night at a Bar That Will Remain Unnamed So You Fuckers Don't Go There.

Of course, the benefit of all this, is our opportunity to visit physical harm on the bodies of Real World participants. Get your ice-picks and prison-yard shanks ready, Brooklyn. And like that dude in The Sopranos said, "Aim for the fleshy part of the thigh."

But keep in mind, while you sharpen that spork, that a shanking of a Real World cast-member, is really just a shanking of yourself. They're here, because you're here. We've visited this upon ourselves. As Mephistopheles said to Faustus in Marlowe's "The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus" when Faustus asked how Mephistopheles came to be out of hell if he'd been banished there for eternity: "Why this is hell, nor am I out of it./ Think'st thou that I, who saw the face of God,/ And tasted the eternal joys of heaven,/ Am not tormented with ten thousand hells/ In being deprived of everlasting bliss?"

We've all got Mephistopheles in us, now.


dbow said...

i think you need a new token stereotype for gentrification. you've used "maclaren strollers" in like 4 posts.

Ol Mucky said...

props to dbow for keepin us on the real

Ol Mucky said...

Update: According to New York Magazine, the Real Worlders will be settling in Cobble Hill: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/05/brooklyn_to_find_out_what_happ_1.html